The Trouble With T-Scoots
by Red Witch
Summary: Cheryl decides to go into the electric scooter business with Krieger.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has zoomed off. Just some more real-life news that inspired this make-believe madness. **

**The Trouble With T-Scoots **

Mallory sighed as she sat at the bedside of Archer. "Oh Sterling…" Mallory sighed. "How I miss you. Life is just going on while you're just lying there unconscious. Again, not that different than one of your typical weekend benders. But still…"

"This morning I woke up to the song of a little bird," Mallory said wistfully. "Singing outside my window. So, I shot it."

"What? It was at five in the morning for God's sake! I mean seriously! How early does a bird have to get up to eat a worm?"

"You know there are some real crybabies in my apartment complex? I swear you would have thought I'd shot a bald eagle instead of a lousy little sparrow!"

"I told them if they didn't shut up, I'd shoot them next!"

"And you wonder why you have trouble making friends?" Lana sighed as she walked in. "How's he doing?"

Mallory did a double take. "Fabulous. Boffo. How do you **think?"**

"Sorry," Lana sighed. "I was just hoping…"

"I know. I'm sorry," Mallory sighed.

"Wow, you actually **apologized** for something," Lana was stunned. "This really is getting to you."

"It's not just me right, Lana?" Mallory asked, a hint of desperation in her voice. "He is milking it right?"

"Yes, Mallory," Lana sighed. "I get that feeling too."

"See that Sterling?" Mallory snapped. "Even Lana thinks you're milking it!"

"Well those assholes at work are milking my patience," Lana sighed as she sat down next to Mallory and dug out a flask.

"What happened **this time?"** Mallory sighed as she took the flask.

"Well you know about this scooter craze that's taken over the nation," Lana sighed.

"I do not," Mallory said. "Wait, are you talking about those damn things that have been running all over the sidewalks lately?"

"Yes," Lana said. "It's the latest thing in personal transportation. People rent scooters using their phones and travel all over the city. It's supposed to be a safer alternative to cars and public transportation."

"Safer alternative my ass! Those things are a hazard to public safety!" Mallory snapped. "One of those damn things nearly ran me over the other day! And I nearly tripped over another one just lying in the street!"

"Really?"

"I swear to God for a moment I flashbacked to when Sterling was a child and would leave his damn toys in the hallway," Mallory grumbled. "And he wonders why I threw half of them in the trash!"

"Well the Tunt Corporation had decided for reasons unknown to get into the scooter business," Lana sighed. "They managed to sign a contract with the city of LA. And **guess who** Cheryl hired to be head of this operation?"

"Oh god no…" Mallory paled. "No…"

"The press conference is already online," Lana showed Mallory her phone. "I have to warn you, it's not pretty."

"It never is," Mallory sighed as she watched.

_The image on the screen was a group of people outside City Hall. Several important people were around a podium. Including Krieger who was standing proudly next to several scooters. And at the podium was Cheryl wearing a smart business outfit. _

"_Hello!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "Thank you for all coming to see me. It's great that you love me!" _

_A man in a business suit whispered something to Cheryl. "Oh right," Cheryl nodded. "And you all want to see the Tunt Corporation's latest rip-off. I mean, we're not ripping off you. We're just stealing the idea. Of electric scooters for public transportation. I have no idea why people want these things. But whatever the public wants, am I right? Introducing! T-Scoots!" _

"_T-Scoots?"_ Mallory asked.

"I told them that was a bad name," Lana sighed. "They wouldn't listen to me."

"To be fair Lana," Mallory said. "You did name your daughter Abbiejean so…"

"She's named after her grandmother!" Lana snapped. "On my mother's side!"

"So, because your grandmother had a lousy name…" Mallory was stunned. "AJ has to suffer?"

"Just watch the video," Lana groaned.

"_Okay here's Doctor Krieger," Cheryl waved. "Who made these electric scooter things. He said I could try them so…" _

"_So here's a helmet," Krieger handed one to Cheryl. _

"_Right, safety first," Cheryl nodded. "Wouldn't want to crack my head on the pavement and have my brains leak out." _

"Can't crack what isn't there," Mallory grumbled as she took a sip from the flask.

_Cheryl was on the scooter. "Notice how quiet and safe the T-Scoots are," Krieger said to the crowd._

_VRRORRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

"_WHOOO HOOO!" Cheryl laughed. "BURN RUBBER BITCHES!" Cheryl took off and started heading straight towards the crowd. "HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" _

"_HIT THE DECK!" Ray was heard screaming off camera. _

"_HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl revved up the scooter and started chasing people all over the place. "I'm gonna bend your underwear! HA! HA! HA! HA!" _

"Carol trying to run people over with the electric scooter," Mallory said sarcastically. "Who could have seen **that** coming?"

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" _

"Well that guy should have," Lana remarked. "Before Cheryl ran over his foot."

"_AAAAHHH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! AAAHHH!" People screamed. _

"_Whoa!" Cheryl fell off the scooter into some bushes revealing her underwear. "I'm okay!"_

_VRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

"And of course, Carol falls off," Mallory sighed. "And the damn thing runs out of control."

_VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

"I didn't think those things could go so fast," Mallory blinked.

"Neither did anyone else," Lana sighed.

_FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" _

"Krieger should not have installed afterburners on them," Lana sighed.

_FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

"_AAAAH!" People were running and screaming as the scooter went down another street. _

_Suddenly a man ran out. "MY TENT IS ON FIRE! MY TENT IS ON FIRE!" _

"This is really bad…" Lana winced as several tents of homeless people caught fire as the scooter zipped by.

_KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM! _

"But not as bad as a scooter blowing up a car with someone that was living inside it," Lana groaned.

"On the plus side," Mallory mused. "At least Krieger found a way to keep the homeless population in check."

"Funny, all those human rights organizations don't see it that way," Lana groaned. "The City Council has passed a unanimous ban of all electric scooters in LA."

"Huh. So Krieger's invention did do **some good** after all?" Mallory remarked. "Who would have thought?"

Lana sighed. "The good news is that somehow Cyril managed to distance the agency from this whole mess. For some reason nobody has figured out that Krieger works for the Figgis Agency."

"That's because what our agency does barely **counts **as work," Mallory groaned.

"The Tunt Corporation of course has dropped the T-Scoots like a TV star accused of sexual harassment," Lana said. "And is paying more millions of dollars in fines and to basically not send anybody to jail. Apparently, Krieger was able to fake evidence of sabotage by a rival company."

"And the authorities **bought it?"** Mallory was stunned.

"Once some higher ups in the military bought the plans from the Tunt Corporation," Lana sighed. "Apparently they are going to figure out ways to weaponize the T-Scoots."

"I can see it's potential in that department," Mallory looked at the video. "Are they going to use Krieger?"

"No," Lana shook her head. "They specifically requested that Krieger have **nothing** to do with this project from here on in. Just to be safe, Cyril sent Krieger away from the agency to lie low for about a week."

"When you say lie low…?" Mallory suggested. "Where exactly was Krieger supposed to go?"

"The lowest place you can imagine," Lana groaned.

"Where would **that**…?" Mallory did a double take. "You don't mean…?"

"Uh, huh…" Lana sighed as she took out a postcard and showed Mallory.

"Oh, dear Lord," Mallory groaned. "Well at least Krieger is where he **truly belongs**."

Meanwhile…

"Whoo hoo!" Krieger grinned. "Now this is living!"

Krieger was piloting a purple and gold boat with some Krieglins down the canals of some sewers. "Okay kids," Krieger stopped the boat. "Who's up for some good old-fashioned sewer fishing? Just remember, the brown stuff doesn't count!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" A Krieglin zoomed by. He was being pulled by a huge sewer fish the size of a bus by his fishing line.

"You might want to give that one some line!" Krieger called out.


End file.
